Current mood: Moderately neat-0
Let me just start by saying I cannot begin to explain how tired I am of being fat. Bill Cosby level sick AND tired.
My skin has filed a grievance with its union stating that if asked to stretch any more, it will have no recourse but to go all Norma Rae on my ass; my man boobs make me feel like I should dress in a tight T-shirt and short-shorts and run onto the closest Major League Baseball field and kiss the starting pitcher; and my ears now officially weigh more than my 3-year-old.
Maybe I exaggerate.
And for those of you about to barf up a nasally and annoying, "Well why don't you do something blah blah blah." Just don't. Just. freaking. don't.
But contrary to what 4 out of 5 doctors say, there are some advantages to being anorexically challenged. Forth with ... things I will miss about being fat.
- When I'm on a Southwest flight, or any flight that's open enough to allow you to choose your seat, I always seek out a fellow fatty who is sitting in either an aisle or window seat, then plop down in the open aisle or window seat on the same row. Why? No one wants to sit between two fat people. Hand to God, works every single time. The look on the person's face when they realize that the only seat remaining is between me and my fat sidekick ... priceless.
- The face of every owner of every buffet joint I've ever been to. My man knows he's losing money on that day.
- When you are a big man like myself, you know, Thornton Melon Tall and Fat, people tend to get the hell out of your way. Maybe it's a survival instinct, maybe it's a fear of getting eaten, or maybe they don't want the giant stain of the day on my shirt rubbing off on them. Whatever the case, people tend to part like the Red Sea when I walk through a crowd. Works well when exiting a concert at say The Palladium or the old Gypsy Tea Room. "Get behind the fat man. He will lead us to freedom!!" And for those in the crowd not paying attention ... "Hey dude, wake up and check out track No. 5 of Dire Strait's 'On Every Street' album from 1991. Which one are you? The windshield or the bug?"
"Everything can change in the blink of an eye. So let the good times roll before we say goodbye."