Current mental status: Eager and anxious
Appointment No. 2 is in the books. Next and final appointment is set for July 31. Between now and then I got an ass-load (ain't the truth!) of stuff to do. Doctors to see, paperwork to fill out, pizza to eat, beer to drink.
In no particular order:
- Cardiologist for an exercise stress test - one would say that all I have to do for this is to bend down and tie my shoes and that would be exercise and stress enough. One would be wrong.
- Psychiatrist for a psych consult - one would also say to make sure said shrink sticks to only the topic at hand and not delve into the darker and more disturbing antechambers of my mind. On would be right on this one.
- General physician for a 2-year weight history and a letter detailing failed diets and supporting bariatric surgery as medically necessary - one only has to look at my ample backside and long-term alcohol storage unit around my midsection to know this is medically necessary.
- Esophagogastroduodenoscopy (EGD) Procedure, which is an examination of the lining of the esophagus, stomach, and upper duodenum with a small camera (flexible endoscope) which is inserted down the throat. One does NOT need to make any jokes here about things being inserted down my throat.
Other things of note from Appointment No. 2:
- Met with physical therapist who gave me print outs on how to do ... sit-ups. I kid you not. Detailed, illustrated written instructions on how to ... sit ... up. Appearantly it's really important that I have strong abs prior to surgery. She even asked if I wanted her to demonstrate. I should have made her do it for shits and giggles. I did play a little football back in the day, so I'm familiar with the sit-up. Although a sit up for me today occurs only when I'm laying on the floor and have no other choice but to sit up to reach my food. What? You've never eaten while laying on the floor?
- Met with the nutritionist, who spelled out more things to work on this month in preparation for surgery and beyond. Small bites. Chew your food well. No eating in front of the television. Really? Good grief. Next thing you know they'll say no eating on the toilet. Sheeesh.
- Someone at the Good Doctor's office loves them some Ashton Kutcher and is trying to spread the love one fat person at a time by showing his greatest hits on the waiting room big screen. Last appointment? "Guess Who" starring the late great Bernie Mac and one half of Dude Where's My Car. This appointment? "What Happens in Vegas" starring Cameron Diaz and Mr. Demi Moore himself. Next appointment? If they are not showing an all-day marathon of "That '70s Show," I'm gonna be shocked.
That's about it. Shout out to Wayne, a Lap Bander friend of mine who had the surgery in December and has lost 70 lbs. Way to go Wayne. I'm looking forward to the same.
Coming Soon: What I will and won't miss about being fat. And yes, there are a few advantages to being large and in charge.